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About Me
In August of 2016 I delivered my twins boys, stillborn. This blog is an honest journey through loss and grief as well as the journey to heal. This blog is intended to help myself, my family, friends and community mend our wounds. This may not be a blog for everyone, so if you feel uncomfortable reading it, it's ok, I'm not offended. I only ask that those who read it or share it, do so with an open mind and open heart. It is my sincerest hope that if anyone is going through loss, that my story can help them heal. I make myself available to anyone I can help as I was so fortunate to have professional and personal help, I consider myself so grateful and open to those who I can be there for in return.
We did not know we were carrying twins until week 20. We lost our first twin at week 21 and our second twin, at week 27.
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This is the letter my husband sent out to our family and friends after we delivered both boys:
"Hi Everyone,
On Thurs. August 11th Abbey and I went to Sharp Mary Birch to check on our survivor twin. Abbey had not felt him move in over 12 hours. Worried we called our doctors office and they sent us to Mary Birch to get a heart tone. With our own hearts beating out of our chest we waited anxiously until they called us back for our fetal doppler. The nurse listened for a heart tone and there was not a sound. She called the doctor over who did an ultrasound and our worst nightmare was now a reality as we stared into the screen to see our baby boy motionless with no heartbeat. The doctor scanned over him for a while as we all sat in silence asking for God, a higher power and/or the universe to reverse this and help us. At this point, it was confirmed that our little fighter baby who has fought through so much had also passed. A rush of intense sadness immediately saturated our hearts and minds.
The doctor and nurses said we would have to be admitted into the hospital and begin the long road or inducing Abbey for labor. For the rest of that day and into the night they gave medications that helped Abbey induce. Around 6am the next morning she was able to give birth to both boys. It was such a surreal experience to be in a place where everyone else around us was giving birth to say hello to a lifetime with their babies and yet Abbey and I gave birth to say hello and in a brief moment also say goodbye to our lifetime of hopes and dreams with them. We did get to hold them, talk to them, kiss them, tell them how much we loved them and how much we will miss them before they took them away. We are totally heartbroken and it doesn't seem fair that this can happen to us and other families in today's world of medicine, but we also know that someday in due time we will be able to see the beautiful impact these boys will and have had on our lives. There is no doubt that in their brief stay with us they brought us a gift that we will have to unpack for a while.
We wanted all of you to know that we may be grieving for weeks, months maybe even years to come, however, we don't expect you all to know what to say or do in these situations. Most importantly, just being there for us, checking in on us or praying/thinking about us will help us heal over time. We may want to talk about the boys and share our story, even if it makes us sad, know that tears are healing. We will be talking with Masayon about our loss as a family, so don't feel as though you have to hide your sadness from him, just please be careful of what information we share in front of him that might not be developmentally appropriate. Here are some additional resources that might help if you are feeling unsure of what you can do:
ttp://stillbirthfoundation.org.au/family-and-friends/#toggle-id-5
http://www.angelfire.com/oh/AbigailMadison/family.html
With love,
The Hill Family
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