So it turns out that nighttime is really terrifying. I know now why my five year old really dreads it sometimes. I use to love to fall into bed at night, but now, I have to sleep on the couch after taking some sleeping aides, the TV has to be humming and a podcast droning on in the background in order for me to actually fall asleep. At 3 am, like clockwork, I wake up sweaty and panicked. All of the memories of the hospitals, surgeries, delivery come back to me like a terror tornado.
I have learned that cortisol, your stress hormone, at night should be very low. Mine is like a pressure gauge at about 3 am every night.
Although it still haunts me and I have tough moments, I have my mindfulness practice, my therapist, my spiritual guide to help me get beyond these painful memories.
