Why is this photo sometimes so painful to look at?
I shared this photo on a day I felt so good and so confident that after everything we had gone through, that my surviving twin, Quinton, was going to make it. He passed away that night.
Why does life do that to us? Build us up with so much hope only to knock us back down. I could not look at this photo for almost two months. I felt I had jinxed myself and my family.
The day I got up the courage to post this image on social media, was such a wonderful day. My dad had finally retired and he so deserved that happiness and freedom. Our family attended his retirement ceremony. I was so proud of how much he had done and accomplished. His colleagues adored him and his humility shone through. We were all so proud of him. Hope seemed so real.
I was still pregnant with Quinton and we all felt a new sense of confidence this day because his Echocardiograph came back so positive. His growth was significant and the specialists had no reason to be concerned. My brother and his wife were also pregnant and we loved the idea of cousins being so close in age. I began to plan for a baby shower and start to look at cute baby clothes. My wonderful mom started planning with me, always thoughtful and so empathic to the loss of Jude, but helping me feel excited for the birth of Quinton. It was a really great day.
Looking back, I had only subtle signs that something was wrong. 3 days prior I had been throwing up again, as if I had food poisoning. It was strange but I attributed it to 3rd-trimester hormones. With reflection, now I know I was sick from the demise of Jude (our other twin) and I was carrying a blood infection that would affect Quinton's life and almost take my own.
Today, I can actually look at this photo and understand that it is not a curse or a jinx but a twist of fate. My story. I am not sad today with this image as I have grieved, I have received help and I no longer blame myself. I was so strong in this photo. A dear friend of mine told me, "Abbey, you have to be hopeful. You will never ever regret being hopeful for your sons" she was so correct.
