I am aware that some well-intentioned people might expect or assume that it's time for me or anyone in loss to get back to work, back to routine, back to "Life", surely that will help them move on. I'm also aware that for some people that's exactly what they might need to cope. I use the words "cope" and "distraction" for a reason. That's all they are. Not good or bad, but just a method to keep going when you don't know what else to do, to deal with reality. Others might need to see you return to "normal" so that they can find "normal" for themselves after a tragic loss; it gives everyones world a good shaking.
But the truth is, "life" is not the same, it never will be again, so to expect that I can find a new normal in my old ways, old routines and patterns, is not really something I'm capable of right now. Luckily for me, I have a great team of professionals looking out for me, reminding me that my mind, body and heart have to heal so I can find that new normal. I trust the professionals in my life that I will get there, slowly, one step at a time.
It saddens me that not everyone has access to this support; we would be a healthier culture if we all did, we all deserve it.
But distraction is overrated, but boy do we cling to it in our society. You can only run from feelings and memories for so long, or you can face them head on in the way that feels best for you. I can only speak for myself in that avoidance has not worked for me.
When I feel my feelings, watch them, I don't judge them, speak of them and allow them to leave when they are ready, I am much better for it. I have noticed that the days I don't this and avoid them, I am more edgy, less patient with my son or husband, I am less happy. I might give 20% of my day to feel really rough and process and in return, I can then have a more happy day for the other 80%. The other way around, avoidance, I spend 80% of my day evading those feelings only to have a 20% return of joy. It seems counter-intuitive but this is what I have discovered.
Don't allow anyone, especially yourself, to judge you for your process.
