These are my legs at a very amazing friend's baby shower this past weekend. I want to be fair to her because this was a special day for her and she deserves that day. She lost her first baby girl over 4 years ago, stillborn, like my boys. I remember it vividly, receiving the phone call when it happened and feeling shocked and stunned as though my heart was in my gut; I ached for her, so she knows all too well how I feel in my journey to recover from traumatic grief. Her story is much like mine, with many twists, turns, struggles with fertility, biological clocks and so on, yet here she is, pregnant with her 3rd baby girl and glowing, ready to deliver a healthy baby girl in a few weeks.
I knew that she did not expect or need me to show up to her shower, after all, it will be 10 weeks only since I lost the boys, she gets it to the deepest of understandings. Yet, that morning of her shower, I felt in my heart not that I "had" to go, but I WANTED to go. This friend came to the hospital with my other wonderful friend (also her legs) before and after I was induced to deliver the twins. Her guidance on this tumultuous and unpredictable journey has helped me get through each day a little lighter and with less judgment on myself. She told me things like, "you might cry for 8 hours one day, then the next, for only 7." Or "You might not want to see anyone for days. It's normal." She even so kindly removed the twins sonogram photos from our fridge when we first came home so I would not have to face it so harshly. She's amazing and I can't tell her how deeply thankful I am.
I would be dishonest if I didn't say there were some tough moments, like when I see her growing bump and watch her open her sweet baby clothes or even talking about the discomfort of late pregnancy, I want all of that. But mostly, those moments were overshadowed by how happy she is and how much love I have for her and her family.
I have so many incredible joys that have come from this pain, and having our friendship on a deeper level is one of those bittersweet things. I have to say that most of my relationships have deepened, some of dwindled and some people avoid you at all costs, but I can't judge or blame those people, it is not for them to understand, I guess that's why we might say:
"Those who judge will never understand, and those who understand will never judge." — Wilson Kanadi
