This is an image of my bags from Target. An image we all commonly have in our lives but don't think much about. The difference for me is, it took me 3 tries to get myself into Target and actually come out having purchased something to take with me.
The first time, I walked in, and walked right back out.
I sat inside my car for about 10 minutes trying to catch my breath and then balling out of frustration. The next time, I walked in about half way, where all the dollar junk items are, you know, the crap you don't need at all but it feels like you hit the jackpot. It felt like I was in a torture chamber. My anxiety rose up with fervor. I walked out calmly and walked back to my car. This time, I did not cry, but simply tried my mindfulness practice that I have been given in guidance. It seemed to help, help a lot. After about 15 more minutes, I made the decision that I would only go in a try to buy one item. If I could accomplish that, I was golden.
So once I got up the courage to get my butt back inside the store one more time, I was determined to give it one more chance, I just took it one step at a time just like I have been taking this process. Once I got inside for the third time I was actually able to get myself through some of the aisles and stick to getting what was essential on my list ultimately I did conquer Target and I felt victorious.
What I hadn't realized was that my anxiety has begun manifesting itself in loud crowded confined places anywhere that I feel trapped. I had gone through a lot but over the past 8 months, but I couldn't really figure out why this was happening to me. I had never had this type of struggle before. This brings me to elevators: The experts in my life have helped me realize that I had trauma in many different circumstances during this whole process. But one of the more painful circumstances was when the doctor not only told us about the twins but diagnosed us with TTTS and that our babies were unlikely to survive. What happens to a person when they are hit with news like this?
Walls close in. You can't breath. You feel suffocated. You can't escape. You have no control and you spiral. Now get in an elevator, a confined space you can't escape and take it to an enclosed elevator. Get the picture? Boom. Your body remembers that and reacts that trauma in similar spaces where you feel trapped and closed in on. It sucks!
I am relearning how to do all of this. I am learning what my triggers might be. I am giving it my best. That's all I can do.
Here is a great paper/article that explains traumatic grief:
http://www.nevdgp.org.au/files/latestnews/Grief%20Trauma%20or%20Traumatic%20Grief.pdf
