This image is from the day I found out about the twins as well as the TTTS. You can see from the scratchy writing and the scattered movements, that was exactly what I felt in that moment. I was frantically writing notes to catch all of the information the doctor was telling me before we were due to USC for surgery. I felt panicked, shocked and helpless. I believed that if was proactive (like I teach my students in my classroom) and if I took good notes, that it would all be ok. I had a plan and it would all be ok.
You see these images don't leave you during traumatic grief, they stay with you forever. How do I know this? It's in my bones and my heart; sometimes stuck in my brain. I have spoken to enough people who have gone through this and are in all stages of life, they all say it and mean it; you never forget. I believe them.
I got to have lunch with a very very incredible friend this week. I felt like I could share this with her and share my rawness and these painful memories. We laughed and cried together. She said to me, "I'm sorry, I don't want you to be bummed out."
I told her, "No. I feel great. I feel so good talking to you. And even though this has been one of the most painful things I have ever been through in my life, I can truly say that I am grateful." I mean it. I am not fooling myself or an anybody else, that there are moments of great pain that come and go, but truly, so much joy and healing has come from this pain. So many relationships have healed and blossomed from this, and for that, I am so lucky to have had my boys in my life.
