Dear Twins,
I promised myself that after I lost you both and almost lost my own life, that I would not spend a single second doing something meaningless. Ok, so that is not entirely possible, I still have to buy laundry detergent and visit the dentist, however, I am keeping the promise to you and myself that this is a blog for us and anyone who wants to use it. So I owe it to you and me, to be authentic and vulnerable and honest about this journey. I am being truthful when I say that some days I feel so incredibly lost and others days I feel so incredibly clear. How can this be? This can be super infuriating for mommy.
Someone reminded me yesterday that "99% of the population does not have to endure something like this." I had to stop. "Oh, that's true." I realized. First of all, I have no idea the statistics of these situations, however, I do know that this is event/life altering path is something I could have never dreamed up in a million years. Why would I? Yet every day I have to choose not be a "victim" of this circumstance. We are certainly not the first and unfortunately, we won't be the last
The first 3-4 or so weeks after you both died, I would wake up on the couch in the morning and it would hit me, that you were both gone. I had to work so hard in those first days to get off of that couch and into life. It took every fiber of my body to do so. There were days that I did not want to wake up and I was pissed if I did. Now, it's only every few days or so that I have to peel my bones off and up.
Boys, every day and every moment presents itself as a new one. Some moments feel indefinably and profoundly hard, painful, while others, are beautiful and sweet. Some funny and goofy. Some somber and still. They all come and go.
I did not get to pick this "problem" per say, but I do get to choose what I make of this scenario and listen to its lessons rather than fighting it. Now I know so clearly what problems I really do have control over. We all have "problems" but we really do get to make choices each day what dramas we get pulled into and expend our energy on. In some ways, with deep pain comes deep freedom, if you chose to listen.
