Dear Boys,
This week has been pretty tough. I can't lie. It really stinks when it feels so hard and you just want to feel okay.
These are images of your sweet, sweet feet taken while in utero while I was having surgery (all of us actually) to try to cure the TTTS.
I am so grateful to have these images that they provided me so that I can see your adorable, innocent feet when I need to remember you were there. I will love those feet forever and ever. And as grateful as I am, this week still has been so so hard.
We are coming up on your due date in a couple weeks. The anxiety of that date has been a bit paralyzing.
I think it is fair to say that both mommy and daddy have been struggling this week. We have people all around us, wonderful people, who are about to give birth, celebrating baby showers, decorating baby rooms, announcing pregnancies and come November 15th, your due date, you won't be here. We are pretty sad and angry right now. It feels painful. On top of that, we still have the holidays to get through. We have to be strong for your brother and our family. I want your brother to not feel that holidays have lost any joy because of this. I have to fake it - I fake it a lot to get by sometimes. The photo on the bottom is me faking it a bit on Halloween. I had to do my very best to get in the "spirit" of the holiday. I did it for your your brother. "Fake it until you make it!"
Daddy is trying so hard to work hard and provide for us. He does his very best to play with your brother and help mommy, but it is still very difficult when he feels pain inside too. Your daddy is amazing.
It's funny what people will say to us as well in an effort to comfort. They believe they are saying what's right, but it really only helps them. I have heard things like, "Now you can just put a lid on it and be done." If there was a lid, I can't seem to find it. I have also heard, "Can't you just take something for the anxiety?" I'm sure I can, I might even, but that does not take away pain. It numbs it. It's funny how I feel like in some of my weakest moments, I still have to be strong just to deal with others insensitivities. It's ok. Most people will never know this pain in their lifetime so I don't expect them to know what to say. It's ok.
I miss you.
Love,
mommy
